Well it's been ages since I've written to this blog and it's been ages since I've put my thoughts down in word. It's not that I don't know whats going on but I feel I lost the best part of life and am now just waiting for something to happen to say that it was all worth it and , you know have the happy ending . I know that not going to happen so I have to decide what I'm going to do now I'm to old to act like a kid and run off and start a new life and young enough not to want to settle for the life of do this then that type of thing I want it all as she said and even that gave me a smile which then she thought I was laughing at her, "No, it's just something I really enjoy" I said. How do I or where do I go from here. I want to be all these things and none of them I want to do what I use to do and then again not. Just so much has been taken from me, am I that damaged that no one will want me now or is it that I don't want them in spite of myself.