I know that I probable won't find a lady to be with me, well not the way I would of thought of about five or ten years ago still maybe there is someone. I'll guess I never really have stopped looking and yes I've had that one special one, but as with all things life really never stops so I to must keep looking and hoping for those moment when all is right. I believe that even the children could be there in my life to make that joy and laughter what I can look forward to when ever I'm around. In fact the presents of kids is something that calms the rage at times.

Well things seem to be going pretty good had my student and must be to hard on him for now am in the hospital, I really don't think it my fault but have been through quite a bit with this one from checking to see if I had a problem with safety issues and then he developed stomach problems which he got dehydrated and ask me to take him somewhere to be checked. So he is down to a week left and is having o problem so will see how it goes from here ... 

Well I'm not to much the type of person that has that in person I can switch to when things go bad, but what I do know that I care about things like family which even when I don't think I care I have a deep string attached to me that will keep around. I don't need to be watched or hang with any of them to know when things happen It's like I'm connected, and yes they call me even if it's to tell me thing are not going so good. Now with that I do have the side of me that is lost in a way that I wouldn't mess with either if I didn't have to ....

Well can only say that things aren't so bad at the moment and will see just how thing are going when go back to work or to what should be a easy run for me, It's nice to be on the side of the job tat I get to watch someone else do the work instead of doing it by myself. which in my case is what I do see.

I just wonder when you figure out to how to solve the problem then what do you do with the extra time since no one will stand up to you and you just have to exist to keep all in order. kind of like what comes next you'll go on doing what you do every day, but isn't there something more ...
I'm just saying ... lol

Well seems that thing shouldn't be so difficult but as usual thing can't do anything but go badly so will just be like that spider web and see how much it can take before it just snaps and falls from it's resting place. Funny thing about it is I know that I can do most of these things but why would I think that this is normal since I've been doing it most of my life, was actually hoping that there was something just a bit different when all was said and done but it only seems to get more complex the more I try to figure out what is and was isn't...

So it get better bit by bit

It's been couple of weeks now and I'm kind of off the wall as what to do since in one way am going to be so so and the other way will have to work things out for others not just me. Still casual is the best I can hope for since if it goes more than that I'll have not only the people around me upset but my past and present will bang heads and that is not what I'm in this for so when it comes to that will have to change the outcome.

Well it's been a fun couple of days but now it's over and back to the real world of nothing to do and no one to do it with, I did find some one but i believe like all other things she will want that control and which to me is just something i understand but don't care for so will maybe have to go at on my own for a while longer ....

     Well it's been ages since I've written to this blog and it's been ages since I've put my thoughts down in word. It's not that I don't know whats going on but I feel I lost the best part of life and am now just waiting for something to happen to say that it was all worth it and , you know have the happy ending . I know that not going to happen so I have to decide what I'm going to do now I'm to old to act like a kid and run off and start a new life and young enough not to want to settle for the life of do this then that type of thing I want it all as she said and even that gave me a smile which then she thought I was laughing at her, "No, it's just something I really enjoy" I said. How do I or where do I go from here. I want to be all these things and none of them I want to do what I use to do and then again not. Just so much has been taken from me, am I that damaged that no one will want me now or is it that I don't want them in spite of myself.